Recently, a 79-year-old man slipped while trying to board a bus. At the hospital when he regained consciousness, he was asked who should be informed. The man waved his hand. “Nobody”, he said in impeccable English.
J.C. Mathur had retired and was living comfortably with his wife and only son. Things started to go wrong after his son was married. When his wife died of a prolonged illness he transferred all his assets — including his house — to his son and went on a pilgrimage for six months.
When he returned, his son had rented out the first floor and was staying on the ground floor. The old man was offered the garage where he could live “independently”.
Shattered, Mathur preferred an old age home to living a life of indignity. There, he could live decently with an income of around Rs8,000 (Dh601) a month, which he received as interest from a fixed deposit.
Distant bonds
Mathur’s is a story that says a lot about India’s inadequate social system for senior citizens when children turn hostile.
Old age is not debilitating always. Many people such as Mathur grow old in good health. In the West, it is called “grandpa dumping” and such cases have been prevalent for many years. But this is a recent phenomenon in India, largely confined to big cities.
Sociologist Dr Shashi Mehta says: “The break-up of the joint family system and more women in the workforce means a shift from shared households. In some nuclear families there’s no place for aged parents.”
She says only a small percentage of people go to old age homes and these cases are confined to cities.
If you took a survey, Dr Mehta says, many working couples would like to look after their parents — but from a distance.
“It’s not that they don’t love them but because they don’t have the time. In other words, have caring ties but not by living in the same house.”
Beena Abroll, who runs We Care for Old helpline service in New Delhi, says she gets numerous calls from senior citizens or their children over problems of living together.
“Senior citizens have their own routine and they’re used to having control over how and when they do things. This may not be liked by the daughter-in-law.”
Get set, go
But there’s another point of view too. Take the case of 85-year-old Inderjit Sawhney, a retired army brigadier and his wife Poonam.
Recently they purchased a studio apartment in an old age home. While a lot of kids assume their parents would like to live with them, it’s not always a good option.
“He’s a nice boy,” Sawhney says, “but you go over there sometimes and you’re sitting around until 10pm before dinner is served. They are a young family and have their own routine.
"I have my dinner at 8pm and then I sit down and read or watch TV. When you grow old, you get set in your ways. I love my independent life. The old age home has given us a new dignity.”
Modern old age homes offer excellent amenities. Many of these homes provide basic nursing care and food. They even have “neighbours” of the same age group.
Pros and cons
However, old age homes are not for everyone and many people have severe problems in the initial years.
Abroll says: “Whenever people call our helpline, we ask them why they want to move out. Some people move out because they have lost their spouse and they are lonely or their children are not treating them well.”
People who move into old age homes looking for companionship do not always find the kind of friends they had hoped for, Abroll says.
“The trauma could start from day one when the senior citizens are isolated from their neighbourhood, family, friends and the places they’re familiar with.”
After all, she says, people are happiest when they spend their old age in their own home with their family.
