You mean some men actually prefer going off on a vacation minus their wives? Is this smart or selfish? Or both?
Is he going on a mancation? Again?
(For those who have just tuned in, a mancation is a new trend where a man takes off on a vacation all by himself, or perhaps with a few buddies. No kids, certainly no wife.) It's being termed the New Age man's 'my space'. Just how much firepower does this trend have to inflame emotions at home?
FM puts on its fire-fighting suit and invites a few mancationers and friends.
Let's meet them.
First up is Guy Taylor, managing director, Momentum Public Relations agency, whose clients include adventurer Adrian Hayes. Taylor has lived in Dubai for 17 years, is married and has two children.
Dawn Hayes, 40, has living in Dubai for two-and-a-half years, although she has lived here before. Originally from England, she has been an expat for two decades, also living in Hong Kong. She has two children, is an accredited life coach, works part-time and studies nutritional medicine. "I also help my husband, Adrian, with his life, corporate coaching and motivational speaking and am personally updating his blog while he is away on an expedition to the North Pole," she says.
Jennifer Hamdan, a certified life coach, has lived in Dubai for 10 years. She runs a partnership in communication effectiveness for parents, representing Parents Effectiveness Training (PET) in the UAE.
She and her husband have a daughter Sophia, 3, and son Zayd, 3 months.
Julie Amer, manager of Mountain High, helps women "achieve their own potential" through hiking, biking, kayaking and other outdoor activities. She has lived in Dubai off and on since 1977, was previously married but is now single.
Australian Simon Payne, 35, is a golf pro at the Dubai Country Club. He has been in Dubai for 18 months and enjoys going on "boys-only" vacations.
Cailin Lewis is a project manager at Jaber, a construction company, who has been in Dubai for nine months. From Colorado in the US, he is a contract builder and marine geologist in the petroleum industry and as a result, travels a lot. Previously married, he has two teenage daughters in New Zealand.
Every decade patents a smart one such as 'me time' or MySpace. Right now, it's mancation.
Simon: Sounds perfect. Although this is nothing new. I've done it my whole life!
Guy: What happens with the business is that every so often they come up with new buzzwords... it could be ecotourism or spa and wellness treatments. Possibly mancations are the next wave, although men taking vacations together isn't new.
When I was in high school, we went on school trips to Portugal, Spain or Thailand. This has been going on since way back. But the travel industry likes to make a big deal of it by packaging it as something new and charging more for it. But women doing the same: that may be something new!
So you're saying that men, married or single, taking mancations is actually nothing new?
Guy: Maybe Simon can tell us about this from a golfing perspective.
Simon: This [guys-only vacation] is a huge trend back home. I have always taken vacations with a few other blokes going to four or five golf courses in different places and most of the guys are married.
Cailin: I'm with men all the time, because of the industry I work in. So come weekends, I want to get out of that environment and do something with the family. I'm not into going out with my mates after spending the whole week with them.
But you don't necessarily have to go on vacation with your work buddies. Why not use that time to bond with your childhood pals or college mates.
Cailin: Again I'm the kind who bucks the trend. I've grown up with men all my life. My dad was in the military and I grew up surrounded by testosterone, male viewpoints, male jokes, male egos and I don't need any more of that. I enjoy the lower key companionship of females to actually having a holiday. And that doesn't mean that we have to do everything together; we do different things – go off and have different conversations... men tend to talk about the same things all the time and I don't want any of that.
Jennifer: It's interesting that Cailin says he doesn't need more male companionship, but there are men who do need it. Whether it's because in a marriage he is only adult male or maybe because of lifestyle factors, (men) do like to share more male perspctives.
What do men look for in 'time out'?
Jennifer: What works for women and men are different. You can't possibly get all you need as a human being from one person... whether it be your wife or your children. A man is more than a husband or a father, he is an individual with his own desires and wishes. So, going on an adventure holiday or whiteriver rafting is something that really gets his adrenalin going... but he's not going to get the same adrenalin rush from, say, a holiday with his wife and children.
Is it the same as a guy wanting to watch a war movie, while his wife wants Casablanca. So he heads to the cineplex with his buddies.
Jennifer: Exactly – and as long as the man and woman are talking to each other and explaining why they need to go off on their own, it's OK to spend time with male friends on a day-to-day basis or on a holiday.
Guy: As long as you've got balance in your life. Sometimes I might enjoy a weekend with the guys and other times, with the family.
Simon: A lot of times the guys I coach on the golf courses say, "I just want to get away from the nagging." It seems to me that we are reading too much into a simple thing like taking time off. There's no sinister motive here. Guys just want to talk football or cricket or whatever. They're just... having a good time.
Getting back to the nagging hurts less then?
(Laughter)
Simon: Yeah, yeah... then they don't mind going back to the chores and children's tennis classes and ... the nagging.
Ergo, chilling out is esentially a non-event in mixed company?
Simon: Yeah, it's just... talking about the football tournament, the cricket scores and that kind of thing; nothing serious.
Guy: You can say that women's definition of relaxation is somewhat different from that of men. We do have an interest in good movies and ballet and the finer things in life other than football and golf, but equally, I'm fascinated by how women's conversations are so ... completely different. Yes, we (guys) do talk about football and sometimes obsess about our golf scores and that might seem completely boring to women, but when I hear women talk, I'm truly astonished at how they manage to pull in so many seemingly different issues all in the same breath... it's like watching television and switching between news, soaps, self-help and maybe even sports (laughter). But that shows how completely different our views on relaxation are. I could never actually read a book sitting on the beach. I would much rather be in the water than by the water. But there are people who enjoy doing that sort of thing.
Dawn: I don't see the different types of relaxation as being preferred either by men or by women. I think enjoying activities is intensely personal... I don't see it as a gender thing. It really depends on your background, upbringing, what you grow up to enjoy doing.
That's interesting, especially as it comes from Dawn, whose husband, Adrian is (on the day of this debate) on the last leg of a high-octane adventure holiday. Shall we call it adventure holiday, Dawn?
Dawn: (Laughing.) If you can call staying in -60ÞC temperature as a holiday! I would call it a challenge. If you want to call it a vacation that's OK too. I think it's very difficult for him and for me as well.
It's a challenge for both of us. When he did Mount Everest I was quite angry about the whole thing. Many, many years ago Adrian used to be in the military; he used to get his stimulus and that kind of energy release is normal in the military, so I am beginning to understand his needs from that point of view now.
And he didn't have that rush of adrenalin before he started off on his adventures?
Dawn: Almost 10 years after he left the military, he went to work in the corporate sector. He was very successful but he still wasn't tasting adventure. So the urge to do something exciting got even stronger. I don't really know (if it is exactly how it happened in his mind) but I'm trying to think his way.
I don't think we behave in a certain programmed manner necessarily because of the male/female gender divide. The environment plays a huge role; so do our personal experiences (during our formative years and what we enjoyed then). If something has been suppressed for a certain amount of time, the urge to do that becomes even stronger.
So, having an understanding of his point of view and taking up a coaching course at the same time gave me an insight into why Adrian sought this kind of adventure. Before then I used to think, 'Oh no, here we go again' and the negative feelings would rush in. Now I have come to the point where I go, "OK, I'm fine with what he wants to do' [while also] having a great time myself and giving myself time for what I want to do.
"Having that in mind, I knew that Adrian would be gone for three months so I did exactly what I had planned to do and in the process had a great time myself.
"As for the kids, they are very happy and their school, Jumeirah English Speaking School (JESS) is very positive about it.
That's another aspect of mancations: how do the kids react to fathers going off by themselves? Because when moms take off on vacation without dads, they still take the kids along with them. But men don't.
Guy: That's not really the case. I've always taken my kids along on vacations – not just my son, my daughter too. So it's not been a matter of doing the guy things but of going on vacation with daddy for both of them. As far as I'm concerned, I have actually taken my kids on vacation as a single parent and had a very good time.
Some of these perceptions are largely generalisations invented by marketing people and organisations that stand to benefit by the propagation of these ideas. Having said that, when children go on vacation with dad, they gain confidence in what their daddy does. And they need to get that confidence from both parents, whatever the circumstances prevailing at the time. I feel very strongly that in Dawn's case, Adrian has taken on a great challenge of travelling to the North Pole. So long as the children understand that it's what both parents want to achieve. The moment you sound doubtful and frustrated and demonstrate those emotions to young people, of course they're going to question the wisdom of what you're doing as parents. If the mom is OK with dad going off on a vacation with his buddies for two weeks, a child will have no problem.
Dawn, does the fact that Adrian is travelling to the North Pole for a cause (raising money for a charity for children with leukaemia) make it easier to support his absence from home? As opposed to, say, if he had taken off on a yacht to watch dolphins? Would you, the children and the school have been motivated to offer this degree of support?
Dawn: One of the things I wanted Adrian to achieve by going to the North Pole was to do something for children. For me that comes from having a daughter who needed a lot of care and medical attention from the time she was born. And having gone through that, I had a strong feeling of wanting to highlight the problem.
The way this works is that we update the website every three or four days when we have been able to make satellite telephone contact with him and that gives a sense of real time experience to all the readers of the website and involves them in the challenge. The charity does wonderful work with the children and this is a great way to support them.
But the point is that men would do this anyway isn't it, with or without a cause to support?
Dawn: Yeah. They would probably do it anyway, yeah. But being able to contribute to a cause makes the challenge that much more important.
Jennifer: The important thing here is that Dawn is modelling love and respect for what the dad is doing and I think if the kids see the love and fantastic respect and companionship and the peaceful way in which they are doing things they are going to be impacted really positively.
Whereas if they see a mother who is not happy with that and who's still frustrated and stressed out then they are going to really suffer.
Julie, with your experience in organising adventure holidays, do you see men and women having the same emotions? Perhaps the women are thinking, 'Oh dear, I'm enjoying myself but I don't know what my kids are up to!' While the men are probably into the adventure without a thought for the kids.
Julie: Having both or just women on my treks changes the dynamics of the group quite a lot. A majority of my treks – 95 per cent, in fact – are for women. And they come on the trek for a reason. It's not so much about the destination; they're excited about the activities we have lined up for them or the cause that the adventure is supporting. Our treks for women range from 5 to 18 days... in the Himalayas. So you have to make the time for this activity and adding a shred of value adds purpose to your adventure. They are looking for a challenge or they want to just step out of their comfort zone – and, to be honest, they come back from this vacation as completely different people.
But while they are away, what's really going on in their minds? Are they thinking, 'This is great, but I wish Charlotte or whoever was with me to share this excitement'?
Julie: We have had mothers and daughters and sisters go on our treks and they just want to forget their lives, their employers and just 'be'... and go back to their childhood, which used to be very exciting, live it for a while then come back with a very different perspective.
On mixed expeditions, do men enjoy things differently from women?
Julie: No! They were all there to see the mountains, the country... for the challenge. It's a very individual thing. Whether you are a woman [or not], you have a global perspective, you see the world, meet different people, taste different food, smell different aromas and then you come back into your normal environment and you share that with your family and friends. It's personal development. You come back with more confidence, more knowledge ... you learn about yourself – what happens when you're tired, hot and hungry.
So traditionally women may have gone to their mother's or sister's for a vacation, but now they are taking time out for themselves: doing what men have been doing all along.
Julie: I believe people go on vacations for different reasons. Someone may want to spend time at a [retreat] and that is an adventure vacation too. Or it could be learning a new language in a country.
A vacation is actually stretching yourself physically, mentally and emotionally ... and putting yourself in situations that challenge you.
No matter whether you are mother or a father, you are a role model to your child. If you see your mum or dad come back a more positive person [this is better] than seeing them continue to lead mundane and indifferent lives.
And technology makes it possible for us to keep in touch with families, even from remote places. On the Annapurna trek, we had a mother of four who had never stepped out of the house without her children until then.
So she would often talk to her kids and tell them what fun she was having. The boys were very proud of her as they could say to their friends, 'My mom's cool, she spoke to me from her base camp.' It's a great example to set your child: to go off, explore the world and come back richer for it.
That's a great endorsement for mancation or womancation.
Cailin: I'd like to just comment on how children are affected when parents go away without them. For generations now men have been going off to war, leaving their families, then come back again and stay until the next war. In my case, a military upbringing prepared me for time away from home, then my work has kept me away from my family. I take as many vacations with my girls as possible and they think the exact same thing – they think it's cool. And when I'm away to work in far-off places, they want to come and see me. I have been on many adventures by myself as part of my work and they hear all about it: where I am, what I do, everything.
So if we are taking time out to come back as better people, could we not achieve the same by doing something closer to home such as going out with friends or quietly reading a book? Is this also not 'my space' or 'me time'? Do we need to be away from our normal environment?
Simon: Absolutely! You do the same things every day, you need to get outside and experience something new. I've done a fair amount of travelling, but I needed to come to Dubai to have new experience of being in a different culture and meeting different people. I couldn't get that back in Australia. I have a couple of friends back home who have never been outside the country, they don't even have passports. For me, I couldn't even think of being in the same place forever. I couldn't do it.
Jennifer: If they are happy being in the same place all their lives then it's what they want. I come from a very small village in the south of England where the girls from my school had babies at 19 and live next to their mothers. And I used to think how sad it was. But you know what? They are as happy as Larry! So now I don't judge people who have never been out of the place they grew up in... if that works for them, that's great.
Julie: It all depends on what we model ourselves on and what kind of choices we make. Life is all about the choices we make. Do I want to stay home or climb a mountain? I choose what I want to do.
So even those that stay home have made their choice?
Julie: Everybody is responsible for drawing up their own road map: where you want to be, where you want to go, what you want to be and when you want to do it.
We marry the people we marry because we want to accompany each other on the journey of life. Having a vacation together can be a time to renew our vows in a relaxed environment, away from our routines. So where is this leading to: will we end up having separate bedrooms?
(A chorus of "No, no, no" ensues)
Julie: There's also this to think about: when we get lost in the routine of marriage, work and kids, we lose sight of our dreams. And in the end, we each dream our [own] dreams and we owe to it ourselves to keep our dreams alive, whether it is by reading a new book, taking a course or a weekend off. That's a good enough reason to have solo vacations, in my opinion.
Is it possible to do this without excluding your significant other from disappointment of a feeling of neglect?
Jennifer: I'll give you an example. I've just had a baby and my husband and I need to give ourselves space what with long work hours, sleepless nights, colic and non-stop activity. So I decided that I would go for 10 days to my parents' home in England. So I've taken the kids and I've gone with his blessings. I got time to reconnect with my family and he had his time off. It feels wonderful to be back.
Cailin: Everybody needs their space. They are not doing it to get away from somebody, they are doing it for themselves... and when they come back, they return to a stronger relationship.
So you're not going away from them, but towards yourself?
Cailin: Towards yourself and to improve a relationship. But I'm not necessarily saying that it needs improvement. I'm just saying that you are who you are – and, in addition, a wife or a husband. And that's what attracted you to them.
Julie: When wives or husbands come back to their family after a vacation, the family realises the various ways in which they have enjoyed their relationship with them and how much they value it. So it's a learning process, not just for the individual but for the rest of the family too.
Dawn: For a woman, taking charge and saying what she wants to do is probably one of the hardest things. I'm saying this specifically as a mother because taking care of the family is traditionally her role so the guilt that she may feel can be very, very strong. And that makes it very hard to take charge of your life and say what you want for yourself.
Simon, if you continue your routine of boys-only vacations, is there any hope of having a woman in your life?
Simon: Naturally, it would. Just because I want to get married, I'm not going to stop being the person I am. I can't disrupt my life for the sake of a relationship... Yes, I will continue with my boys-only vacations and the woman in my life has to accept that. I actually grew up with both my mum and my dad taking short separate vacations. So I see this as normal.
So this would mean three vacations a year: yours, hers and ours?What's next? Kids demanding separate vacations?
Guy: That's been happening all along. When I was 13, I went to summer camps.
Cailin: My daughters started going to summer camp since they were 7. It's good because they get to meet different people and learn survival skills. I believe it's necessary.
Guy: It's not couples going off on individual vacations that's important to a relationship, but that the couple should make time for some togetherness – away from the household chores, children and the myriad issues they have to deal with. Go away for a weekend maybe.
Jennifer: I absolutely agree with that and am looking forward to just one night away with my husband.
***
Payback time!
How do separate vacations affect relationships? Is there a trade-off? I.e. "You've gone off on a vacation by yourself, so now you owe me: a) a vacation and b) an expensive piece of jewellery."
Guy: That's possible, but in reality it all depends on how well you manage your time. First you've got to ask yourself if have the time to maintain anything at all, including a relationship. But you need to be aware that you need to put that time back in. It's not 'payback', but you need to catch up on that time you've been away. You're not going to do that without the mutual understanding that you are coming back as a better person because you've achieved something. Maybe you come back with a huge smile and that itself can be a benefit to the relationship.
The other thing why you cannot call this 'payback time' is because it isn't as simple as that, you can't really say "Oh, here's your 30 minutes" or whatever; it's a matter of giving quality time to the relationship and the family.
And the other person would understand that?
Guy: I think you need to ask the other person that question. Because perceptions can vary from person to person.
Cailin: It's also possible that that person would not want anything from the partner who went off, other than simply to feel the joy of somebody coming home. You feel good to hear them say, "I did this and that and had so much fun doing it." My partner is leaving on an Arctic trip and I am happy for her, but that doesn't mean I have to join her on her expedition. To tell you the truth, I don't really want to be among 18 women in shivering cold temperatures! Nevertheless, I will cheer her on her way.
Julie: We have to find a balance between spending all our time with our spouses or children and spending time with ourselves. Because then we truly want to come back and share our happiness and growth and insights with them.
And solo trips for women?
Do you advocate solo vacations for women?
Dawn: Yes, absolutely. If it is what she wants. She comes back recharged, she's happier. The children and the husband benefit.
Are you saying this is necessary because when the man goes she is left holding the baby?
Dawn: No, not necessarily. He can have his space too. But the woman needs to give herself that space to grow. I'm saying that this is not happening often enough and in some cases not at all. But it should. It is of positive benefit to the whole family if both parents can take time off and do something that they enjoy. This will add to their personalities as individuals.
So can a man going away by himself actually empower his wife to give herself some space too?
Dawn: Yes, I think he can.
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So mancations, womancations or plain old familycations, you draw your own map. Any direction is fine. Becuse all directions bring you back home anyway.
