She wants to talk. He prefers to read the paper. She's really ill and wants some TLC. He thinks it's theatrics. He has the mere sniffles but she must drop everything to be by his side. What's the deal with the Mars-Venus conjunct?
"Want to have a successful married life?'' my dad once asked me. "Don't ever ask your wife what she doesn't like about you. You will spend the rest of your life listening to all your shortcomings.''
That piece of advice was given to me a long time ago. A lot has changed since. The glass ceiling has crashed (well almost). Women have been empowered (some enough to head nations). And men are wondering why for more than a decade their masculinity has become akin to fashion's colour trends – blue is the new green or grey is the new black or white is the new beige.
But if there is one thing that has not changed, it is the address of men and women respectively. To borrow a line from John Gray, men live on Mars and women on Venus. Despite the staggeringly impressive technological advances, one thing no smart geek has been able to do is invent a frequency which both men and women can tune in to at the same time. The result: there are frequent disturbances which range from unpleasant howling sounds to harsh grating chatter to white noise to ... a complete deathly silence.
But do you wonder why this happens with such frequency (no, we are not talking about that frequency. That's a lot of hot air right now).
Why does man get irritated if the wife wants to talk just when the European football league finals are on ?
Why does the wife get upset when you don't hold her hand while watching a romantic weepie?
Why does she get mad at you if you steal a glance, just a glance mind you, at that drop-dead gorgeous woman who's walked into the restaurant during your candle-lit dinner?
I decided to finally look for the answers. As it is said, if you fear something, go ahead and do it anyway. So I approached my wife and asked her why women invariably roll their eyes, pull a face and say, "Guys, you just don't get it about women, do you?' In other words, when will men truly begin to understand women?
I am willing to, I told my wife. Help me.
Okay, she said, come along then.
What followed was akin to getting on to a steep learning curve only to realise it was less of a curve and more of a scary ride in an adventureland designed by some masochistic genius.
When she finally paused to catch her breath, I took that as a sign to leave home ... and ask a few other women to share their pet peeves on men. (If this is not courage, you'd better invent a definition I'll like).
So, then ladies and gentlemen, here's The List. Just like the Secret, this is guaranteed to be made into a Michael Moore kinda documentary and you will soon find it as a DVD at your nearest video store.
Let's start with my home-grown grouses:
1 Men wouldn't know the difference between a wardrobe, a laundry basket and the floor even if you drew it on a map for them. They also don't get it that clothes don't just get up off the floor and make it to one of the three areas listed above by themselves.
2 They think a holiday means the shower runs dry. So, why bother stepping under it. (And to think all these years I was conserving water and time, the latter which I thought I would spend with her).
3 Men, newspapers and spouse. All three cannot co-exist in peace within the same space at the same time.
4 They take more time to groom themselves than women but get a man to admit it.
5 At parties, men get so busy being the shining star, they sometimes forget to introduce 'the wife' till someone says, "Hi, you must be ....?
6 Sometimes, when they speak in self-defence, it's lost in translation.
7 Sneezing is to be followed by 'Sorry'. Most men don't seem to know this rule.
8 Pessimism is a hobby and the wife's upbeat attitude an eyesore. 'Turn it down will you?' seems to be their motto.
9 Men are planners. They are so good at planning for tomorrow, they forget tomorrow only comes after today and what are we doing today, honey?
10 'Don't change the topic when I am discussing your habit of always being late!' At this point we take a break and decide to have a bite. Clearly, it's going to be a long evening. A few calories richer, I request my wife to continue. "Can I say a few things about men's habits?
Why, sure, my dear. (Were we not on that track all along? Am I missing something here, uh?). Anyway, I will give the mike to her.
11 Men who take pride in saying they don't even know how to boil an egg.
12 Being rude to women. A polite, chivalrous man is an attractive man.
13 Men who think physical strength is more attractive than mental prowess.
14 Men who grow up to be indifferent to their ageing parents. They forget that one day, they may end up in the same situation.
15 Lighting up in the company of non-smokers without as much as a 'May I?
16 Men who treat their home as a B&B.
17 The jury is out on whether men are better drivers but the verdict on men's road manners is in. Guilty!
18 No staring please. It's just crass.
19 How about behaving like a man but not letting the boy in you be lost forever?
20 Men who want industrial-strength TLC from their wives for mere sniffles but will hand her a Panadol when all she needs is a hug. The match is on. We get it. At some point I must have dozed off because the next thing I know is I am waking up in the dark and finding my way to my bed. (Breakfast was as usual the next morning. Sunny-side up, just as I like it. I decided to finally say it as it is. 'You are the best'. I don't think she was too convinced by my volte face but obviously the learning curve had its effect.)
***
Beyond my domestic sphere, here are a random collection of other women's pet peeves.
21 Woman are more expressive than men. Period. They like to talk about their feelings. But men just don't get it. They think women just talk too much. Period.
22 Men don't even attempt to be expressive. It's too much work for them.
23 If I want to make French Onion soup, let me please make it my way. Why should I fry the onions to a darker shade of caramel just because you think that's the way of doing things?
24 Men and logic; horse and carriage. Really? Horses express feelings. How come men don't?
25 The card industry is making millions each year churning out anniversary and special days cards. But if a man's habit of fogetting the important days in his wife's life is any indication, the industry had better consider other options.
26 When it's neccesary to call the plumber, please call the plumber. Don't flood the whole house just because your dad once showed you how to fix a leaking faucet.
27 Some men are convinced that anything good that happens in a marriage is all thanks to them. And all the bad things? Take a guess.
28 Life is a lot easier if men decide to include their wives in decision making.
29 If you want to go out but your wife doesn't, she is not a bore. It simply means she wants to spend time with you at home.
30 Complimenting is an easy art to master and is best practised on your wife.
31 On the other hand, if she is having a bad hair day, don't tell her. She already knows.
32 When a woman wants to buy something for herself, it's not an invitation for an impromptu 20 Questions. Just let her buy it, okay?
33 Don't men buy a 105th something-shade-of blue tie because the sales girl looked so pretty and said he reminded her of a Hollywood star?
34 When a man goes out of the way to impress a woman, he also goes out of her sight.
35 Lies and guys? Speak the truth It's simpler.
36 Marriage does not mean your world shrinks to a nuclear dot.
37 Chauvinism is dead. Whodunnit?
38 Why do men design shoe racks and then leave their shoes next to the sofa?
39 Can anyone 'sock' it to men about the difference between a laundry basket and the living room floor?
40 Tough men don't need to talk tough. Delicate works too.
41 Stopping at traffic signals does not mean you spend that time staring into other cars.
42 Commitment phobe. Has anyone seen this scary creature and why does it scare only men?
43 No mother-in-law jokes please. Your wife has one too remember.
44 When you love someone, arguments are not about winning or losing.
45 A good suggestion is a good suggestion. It doesn't get better just because it is from a career-driven man.
46 Why does the worst in "Hope for the best and prepare for the worst" induce a chemical reaction in men?
47 Taking digs at their wives in public. Even the caveman did not do it.
48 Woman's family concerns = man's family concerns.
49 Time is relative. When the wife calls her folks back home, the clock races. When he does the same, it freezes.
50 Over-possessiveness.
51 Little girls hate it when boys sing silly poems like: "We are the boys, we don't cry, You are the girls, Always ready to quarrel and cry."
52 There's nothing funny about pink. It's just a colour.
53 Women compare prices of products. That's the way they are. But if men want to squander money, sigh!
54 You set a day and time for shopping. He is reading the paper and so the 'Yes' is a Pavlovian reflex. On the appointed day, memory goes MIA. So you shop while he sulks.
55 If men are so clever, why hasn't a TV been designed yet that can show two programmes at the same time? His and Hers. Soap and Sport. Peace and Quiet.
56 A kitchen by definition is a place where only one spouse should be allowed to work/cook at any given time.
57 Nagging. It is not gender-specific. When men do it, they call it self-managementspeak.
58 A woman's handbag is a man's favourite punching bag. It's also his only hope when he is stuck for help.
59 When a woman reminds a man of something, she is repeating herself. When a man reminds a woman of something he's being helpful, that's all.
60 How about some genius telling us why men hate going to the doctor?
61 Multitasking men are not a contradiction. They are an impossibility.
62 Invention: Remote control. Use: To control. (Not the TV programmes.)
63 Repetition alert. Invention: Remote Control. MO: press button every two-and-a-half minutes. (Actually, that was only half a rep.)
64 Women are backseat drivers as adults. Men turn into backseat drivers as boys.
65 A man's idea of a holiday? Watching TV in an expensive room in a fabulous seaside resort.
66 Hulks who sulk.
67 A man who puts up an Oscar-winning performance in public about who's the boss at home.
68 Mama's boys.
69 Men indulging in baby talk. Baby talk should be left to babies.
70 When a husband cannot take a decision because he is not sure a decision needs to be taken.
71 A man who uses the bathroom like his personal library-cum-home office.
72 Saying 'I love you' is great but be sure the woman is not standing at the sink, her hands elbow deep in soap suds at 3 am after a party while you have simply been polishing your jokes all evening.
73 When a women says a no, she means a no. The contrary cliche has been updated, just in case you guys have come from Mars this very moment.
74 Men who giggle.
75 Chatterbox male. It's a worse noise than chalk on blackboard.
76 There is nothing more frustrating in the world than a man who refuses to discuss what is bothering him.
77 To stay on the same track, there is nothing more damaging than plea-bargaining with a man who thinks he is like a soda can, so don't pull the tab or the fizz will be lost.
78 Men who are vague in their romantic expressions. When you have to say it, say it clearly.
79 Know-it-alls is gender specific. It's a masculine noun.
80 Men who eavesdrop on women's conversations.
81 Men who maintain poker faces while being introduced to women.
82 Men who favour their sons over daughters.
83 Men who think a book is an instruction manual.
84 Men who ask ladies to dance at parties and end up giving her corns on her feet. Dance lessons are held every 10 kms in the city. Enrol, guys.
85Want to get a guy to listen to you? Really listen to you? Don't say, "I need to talk ..." Say, 'I want your advice."
86 Man at his most attractive? When he plays with his kids and becomes a kid himself.
87 Men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. They don't know what colour is peach, mauve or magenta!
88 Want your spouse to help in household chores? say, "How does this thing work?"
89Who says men gosip? They simply have man-to-man talk.
90 What's the big deal about uncapped toothpaste tubes? And no, it is not the same as wet towels on the floor.
91 Men who cannot understand why snoring is such a marriage breaker and refuse to do something about it.
92 Logic upturned: Men invent the the most bells-and-whistles-loaded collectible called a mobile phone and when the wife calls say, 'I like to keep conversations as short as possible'. Why invent the thing to begin with?
93 Vocab-challenged men whose repertoire doesn't extend
beyond "yeah", "okay", "fine", "uh", "umm", etc.
94 When will men understand that self praise is no praise.
95 'I told you so' is gender specific. Of course women say it all the time, but that is because men just don't seem to get the message.
96 Science, which men respect next to football, has proven that women are more emotionally mature than men. If science says so, who are we to challenge it?
97 Why isn't there any research being done on why flowers embarrass men?
98 How is it that a man can understand his female boss' mood swings when he can't do the same with his wife's?
99 Don't keep the tap running while shaving. It does not make for a better shave.
100 'Anything' is not the name of a dish. It cannot be served at lunch, dinner or breakfast and when it is, it must be eaten without making a face or passing a smarmy remark. You asked for it, remember.
101 Men love reading about themselves. Isn't this list proof enough?!
