|
One name .... just one name .... mmmmm .... hang on, I am thinking .... thinking real hard, thinking of just one name ... ouch! that hurt, was that a synapse that snapped? Okay, I give up before I go brain dead.
I mean, I can’t think of one Hollywood hunk who has not cried in the recent crop of movies.
Tom Hanks? A real weepie. Tom Cruise? He’s a cry baby. Arnie? Aw come on, even Arnie cries. Danny De Vito practically sobs as does Dudley Moore. Sly? Sly cries on the sly.
Not one Hollywood actor these days thinks it’s beneath his nine-figure movie fee to cry for whatever it is that the script tells him to cry for.
And we love these guys. I mean we practically want to be them.
Now let’s look at some hunks in real life: David Beckham takes his son to school and he cries. Beckham gets injured during the World Cup and he cries. He gives up the England captaincy, he cries.
Bill Clinton sobbed publicly when the Monica Lewinsky issue was media’s golden goose to die for.
Maradona’s cried. Paul Gascoigne literally wept for being dismissed from the match.
So what’s with guys at the movies? Please read that line again. What’s with guys at the movies? While men in the movies are awash in tears, what makes men at the movies so dry-eyed?
Surely, it’s not because there are no sub-titles?
Why do men begin to cough during a particularly touching scene? Or need to head for the washrooom? Or pretend their cell phone has fallen under the seat?
And if you observe them, provided you can see anything at all through your own tears, it takes them exactly the same time to find their cell phone as it does for the scene to dissolve into the next. And woe be to the scriptwriter if the scene is a prolonged tear-jerker. The jerk!
Well, the jerk as it happens, is also a man. So where do we go from here? Ask an expert and he will say this lachrymeal blockage has a lot to do with early ingraining in a boy’s upbringing.
While men and women have different emotional matrices, guys are just as capable of crying at the movies, as are women, says Dr. Raymond Hamden, clinical & forensic psychologist of the Human Relations Institute at Dubai Knowledge Village.
However, the three golden words that carry with them a lifetime guarantee of masculinity (or at least that’s what everybody believes) – Boys Don’t Cry – hold the key to how a man will behave, generally speaking, in emotional situations, in reel life or real life.
“We argue that the behavioural expression of emotions is socially conditioned, particularly the act of crying, which is seen as an expression of sadness. (Boys don’t cry; girls do).
We first test the hypothesis that men are less likely than women to cry when they are sad, and find support for it. Second, we propose that inexpressivity on the part of men is not a constant; that some men are more likely to cry than others.
“We test and find support for the hypothesis that men who adhere to traditional sex roles are less likely to cry when they are sad, than women.
“Third, we find support for the hypothesis that education and income have counteracting effects on the act of crying for men, since they decrease sadness and thus the tendency to cry, but they also decrease the adherence to traditional sex roles, thus increasing the likelihood of expressing sadness by crying.”
What it all means is that men process their emotions differently than women. “They intellectualise and compartmentalise their emotions,’’ says the doctor.
“It also has to do with their personality and their experiences. In public places, men are conditioned to control their emotions. At the movies, men are just as likely to be moved to tears as women are. (But) they keep them in check so as not to appear less manly,’’ he says.
“[But] more men today are allowing themselves to express emotions openly because they realise it is more acceptable to the women, and [they] are perceived as more approachable and warm,’’ he says.
But if men find it difficult to cry, then how come other emotions such as violence and anger manifest easily?
Men may tend to act out or behave in a socially unacceptable manner such as indulging in physical fighting or verbal arguments (these are explosive styles), says Dr Hamden.
Some men may take the less aggressive method and go for a long drive, perform physical sports activities (these are implosive styles). This depends on the personality profile of the individual rather than the gender, says Dr Hamden.
Do women prefer strong men who don’t cry? Is it considered a weakness if a man exhibits his emotions?
I have found this to be contingent on the female’s upbringing with her father, brothers, or male figures of significants, says Dr Hamden.
When raised in a dysfunctional atmosphere of defensiveness and guardedness, crying is a weakness and especially in men who are [considered] to be the protectors.
When raised in a non-dysfunctional atmosphere, women tend to recognise a genuine gentleness in men without compromising his ability to protect and provide.
But, why do men find it difficult to cry?
Most men find crying to be difficult due to cultural mores such as ‘Men don’t cry like babies’. In addition, a man is conditioned to be ‘the strong one’.
He is expected to be ‘a source of strength while the woman cries’.
However, both men and women have the ability to cry at the same situations. It’s only that certain mores hold back a man from exhibiting the emotion of crying in public.
[However], today we see more courageous men crying than we saw in the days of John Wayne and other stereotyped macho men.
So men are letting down their guard?
Men are realising (there is) more comfort in crying publicly. Some women believe that a man who shows emotions is more a man than one who denies [or conceals] them.
Today’s woman wants a man who can demonstrate emotions without compromising his masculine assets, says Dr Hamden.
Ok, so you’ve read what the doctor had to say. Now let’s find out what a few guys have to say. (Psst: we also spoke to their wives to corroborate their confessions.)
TERRY & TRACY FLYNN
Terry: If I were watching a movie in public, in a theatre, I’d be quite reluctant to show my emotions. I believe I’m more emotional when we watch a movie together in the privacy of our home. No, I won’t have tears, I’d get a lump in my throat if (a scene) were emotional or touching.
It goes back to being brought up to believe that boys don’t cry – that’s very much ingrained in me. My kind of movies are action flicks, war movies, historicals and those that are not too emotional.
Those would be my natural choices. When I watch emotional scenes in movies, it’s not that I’m not moved. The ones that usually get to me are those featuring the underdog in soccer or football, overcoming great setbacks and handicaps. I get very emotionally charged. Million Dollar Baby is a good example.
Tracy: It also depends on the quality of the movie. Certain movies are so well made, the emotional elements have more impact. I don’t get too emotionally involved, either. I’d probably get tears in my eyes but my involvement is only that much. At times like that, we’d just hold hands or comfort each other.
Terry: To me, a movie is not real, it’s not about your life. You don’t need the same level of comforting, so you can be objective about it. In real life, we have both gone through many emotional moments – loss of parents, birth of our three boys, and so on.
I can differentiate between real experiences and what’s on the screen. Maybe it comes with a bit of maturity and the experiences you’ve been through. A younger man/couple may react more emotionally than we do.
Tracy: I think it also has to do with self esteem and confidence. You rationalise, and are able to sift make-believe from reality.
Terry: I grew up in the ’70s. There was a book around then called Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche. One of the points made in the book was that real men don’t cry at the movies. The other ones were, real men drive big cars, real men don’t show emotions and so on. That was the culture I grew up with ... so it’s got to have something to do with it.
Tracy: We would definitely encourage our three boys to show their emotions, not contain them, whatever the emotion may be. I’d try and explain the difference between reality and movies if they cried at the movies. Otherwise, [the boys] are going to get emotionally charged up about stuff all the time.
Terry: Would I give them the Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche treatment? Well, I wouldn’t go to that extreme, but they’d be made to understand that a man’s a man, to a certain extent.
Tracy: I don’t think we’d have treated them any different if they were girls. We just want them to grow up to be sensible. Women/girls tend to look at things in-depth as compared to boys/men.
They analyse and read more into a situation or a movie. Guys look at it while it is happening, and let it go when it’s done. They’d be more inclined to get involved only if it were a theme after their own heart – like sports, war or something like that.
Terry: Yeah, definitely. My mates are more or less like me, same reaction to emotion and emotional movies ... Now showing your emotions is okay.
Tracy: We have a graphic artist friend, and he’s much more emotional than the average man. I think it might also be influenced by your occupation, because he is exposed to such emotions at work as compared to, say, an engineer or in the airline industry, where you make decisions using your head, not your heart. Teachers and those in creative jobs may also not be afraid to express their emotions openly.
Terry: Men and women are conditioned differently. When you hit a low point in your life, or if you’re carrying some emotional baggage that you haven’t got rid of, you might react more emotionally to a sad movie you happen to see at that time. It might serve as a trigger for emotional release.
‘BELINDA & MARK FREEMAN
Belinda: Mark likes to watch all the movies I don’t like – kung fu, action, sports ... When we do watch sad movies, I cry and he comforts me.
Mark: I’m not your sterotypical machine gun, kung fu, Miami Vice-type of guy. The only movie that touched me emotionally was Saving Private Ryan. The first 20 minutes were gripping ... but I did not cry, mind you. The whole movie was pretty moving. She was crying throughout the movie.
There are times I have cried – with laughter, not sadness, like when watching Dumb & Dumber. Men generally don’t like to be seen as sissies, guys don’t wear their hearts on their sleeve, there is a certain amount of control, unlike girls. But now, the modern man is allowed to [show his emotions].
If you watch [male] cinema icons now, they are a lot more feminine than the older ones. Jude Law has burst into tears in every film I watched of his. Five years ago, Mel Gibson was a tough nut to crack. It’s the new thinking.
Do any of your male friends cry at the movies?
Mark: The circle I hang around in wouldn’t admit to it even if they did. When we sit around, we are not likely to have a conversation that goes:
‘I went to a movie last night and I spent the first 15 minutes sobbing.’ "Yeah, it was the same for me.’ It just doesn’t work like that! How do you think I’d perceive the person who speaks like that from then on?!
Belinda: I really haven’t met a man who actually cries at a cinema.
Mark: The only kind of movie I’d probably cry when watching is a home movie of my daughter being born.
Belinda: The issue of men crying must surely stem from how the two genders are treated differently as children. Girls are allowed to cry, boys are pulled up for it.
Mark: If I went to the movies with my father, and I cried, I’d get a clip around my ear and be told to shut up! We are conditioned from an early age to believe that guys just don’t cry.
Belinda: My brother grew up with us three sisters, and is probably more emotional than the man who grew up in a male-oriented family. My brother gets very emotional in a cinema. He was never told that he shouldn’t cry because he is a boy... Today he is an actor. I guess there really occurs a difference if your parents had been more sympathetic to boys in the family crying.
Mark: In cinema halls, you never hear the sound of guys sobbing ... just their mobile phones ringing! If she were to see me crying, it would probably start her off, too. I don’t think girls like to see men bawling at the
movies. She thinks, ‘I cry, you don’t. That’s the deal!’
Belinda: I’d be very touched. But of
course, that would never happen. I’m the kind of person who even cries watching the news! I’ve seen him cry just once,
and that was when Jasmin, our daughter, was born.
Mark: Nothing’s ever going to touch your emotions like the birth of your child. Tears on your wedding day is just sheer nerves. I was best man for a friend in summer. He’s a huge, tough guy, and we stood in front in church along with his Dad, also a huge, tough chap. Suddenly, the groom began to cry, and then his Dad started off, and there I was, with one handkerchief, and I said, ‘Guys, snap out of it.’ But that’s acceptable because it’s wedding day nerves, although 50 years ago it wasn’t!
GARY & RACHAEL GUSCOTT
Gary: Generally, most men are in control of their emotions [because] from their childhood they’ve been told ‘Don’t cry, you’re a boy’. Boys are not expected to cry, while a girl is. The control comes from that discipline – a conscious reaction to control, conditioned as a little boy.
There are probably men who would never cry, but most men would, given the place/situation and reason to. When I watch a movie, there are some [situations] that make me sad, but I don’t cry, not even if I’m on my own. It’s not because I’m conscious of being watched that I don’t cry, but because I am able to rationalise that it is only make-believe. I don’t go ‘Don’t cry, don’t cry’ in my head, but just tell myself ‘it’s only a movie’.
When it’s a real-life catastrophe ... a natural disaster or a politically-induced situation, I get very emotional about it, but don’t cry. My emotions are a bit mixed then. I feel angry at the situation and its cause.’’
Is there any movie you’ve actually cried at?
Gary: I cannot remember which movie, but there have been times when tears have welled up in my eyes. But it’s not happened many times.’
Rachel: I’ve never actually seen tears roll down his face! We watched Cold Feet, a TV series, and we knew the characters like they were [part of our] family. I was sobbing my eyes out at their tragedies, and Gary was trying to tell me ‘it is not real, it’s on telly’.
I cry at the cinemas and I get really embarrassed ... [So] for a guy it’s got to be worse!
However, men can uncontrollably laugh at a scene they find funny, even long after the scene is gone. I laugh at a scene I find funny, but move on to the next scene.’’
Gary: I feel emotionally charged when the movie theme is on family and children, like a hostage situation. Then I feel a lot for the characters. Again, it makes me more angry than sad. The family-children movies get me more worked up. Then again, Titanic was a sad one, very moving, again based on a real-life disaster. The Lion King was another film I found a bit sad.
Have you ever cried when watching a movie with your mates ?
Gary: Naw! I like watching happy movies ... ones that make me laugh, or action movies. That’s not because I’m a tough guy, but because sad movies just don’t appeal to me. They are good, don’t get me wrong, but for some reason, they are my last priority. I like positive themes. We watch a lot of UK TV dramas, and they can get very emotional, based on day-to-day life.
Rachel: I’d have wished Gary would be more emotional, but I would find it strange if he suddenly started crying during a movie. It’s not that men shouldn’t cry, but ... When we watch a particularly sad film and if I cried, I’d look at his face and would find that his eyes are glazed over, and I’d ask, ‘Are you sad? Are you crying?’, but he wouldn’t actually be crying in the way I would be.
Gary: Well, that’s our defence mechanism, isn’t it?
Rachel: I asked guys at work about this, and of the four men, two admitted they’d cry at the movies.
Gary: I don’t think a man would admit to crying even if he did cry at a movie, except maybe if he were a metrosexual man in touch with his sensitive side (or if he were cutting onions at home!). When men watch movies, they are more in control of their emotions than in real-life situations where it involves real people, people you love.
Then, you are involved. In a movie, you can switch it off and forget about it. It would be strange if a woman did not cry, not at the movies, I mean. For them, tears are a way to vent their frustration.
For guys, we’d go for a jog, or work out, or something. Maybe there are women, too, who don’t cry. Maybe ten years from now, you’d see a guy who goes boo-hoo! in a seat next to you in the movie theatre!
|
